** Early Recollections **

I was crying on your doorstep,

 

Waiting for you to let me in..

 

My tears eventually dried,

 

But I realised that all this time,

 

I'd been crying alone..

 

Because you weren't there..

 

Not there for me,

 

When I needed you most..

I know it's nothing compared to what others go through, but because nothing ever happens to me, so when something does happen to me, its significance magnifies ten fold. I think my first camping experience is one I'll remember all my life. I did so many things I believed that I would never do. And I've learnt things I know, but don't actually know know, if that makes any sense.. At one point, I thought I'd never come back. We got lost a couple of times and had to retrace our steps and I nearly slipped down those slippery steep stone steps another couple of times and could've lost my life.. Of course, this was nothing compared to what my two other friends came across as at one point, I went back where they continued on..

 

***

 

Contentment - Never ask for more than you have because we are so lucky to even have what we have

 

Gratitude - Accept everything with thanks as we're just pure lucky to have anything at all, especially when it's offered by strangers

 

Responsibility - It's only one person's responsibility to look after you, and that's yourself alone and noone else

 

I owe my life to the nice man who gave us free water and to the nice German couple who allowed us a ride back to the station when we hitch hiked and they could've just ignored us and driven on.

 

I swear, we are so LUCKY to be alive and at home.

... Why aren't you here when I need you?...

Sometimes I don't know what comes over me. I have strong urges to do random things to people. I remember Sophie told me once, a long time ago how she missed my random hugging moments when I'd just go up to people and hug them because I just felt like it. I guess I'm a very selfish person since I'm very emotionally driven. If I don't feel like doing something - I won't do it. But if on the other hand, I want to do something, noone can stop me because I go against their disapproval and charge on ahead anyway.

 

***

 

I used to think I was good. It's one of those things I pride myself on. But I've found out that I can't - I can't do it at all. I can't tell what's happening, what's going on there. Since when did I care so much about something so far away? But it's beautiful. Not physically beautiful - but beautiful. So perfect. I miss its absence and I want to go back to where I can just stand there and watch it. But I think that's how I am, I'm always after things I can't possess. But I get so annoyed, not because it's not mine, but because I'm invisible and whatever I do loses its meaning as it hits the brick wall in front.

 

***

 

It's always going to be there, because I think I rent it out accidentally. The place was just meant to be rent out but somehow I gave it away on unfair terms because now, I'm the one looking after the dirty carpets. I think I should renovate the place, though I don't think the scent will change - still the same old familiar scent of naivety..

I feel like I'm a planet, far away from where everyone I know is. Am I purposely distancing myself without even knowing it? I haven't initiated a conversation with anyone since a couple of months ago already. There's not only nothing to talk about but there's also no reason to even keep the convo window open. Even the people I used to chat with often now seem to be so far away.. I have nothing to say to them, and I don't have anything to say to them. I remember I used to be Online every night expecting, anticipating lots of catch up. But now, even though I'm online, I choose to Appear Offline. And even when I do appear Online, I feel like there's not much of a point. I don't chat to anyone now anyway. I don't even have the drive to initiate a conversation because I know in the end, it'll just somehow end without a bye.

 

To be honest, I think I'm scared. I'm scared of the silence in the windows on the screen. Not of the awkwardness, I don't find it awkward, I just feel sad. The conversation that died 30mins ago but the convo window is still open. All because I feel I should say something, but nothing comes up in mind. At the same time, I feel as if I can't face them any more. I don't know what I should do.. I can be really extreme at times. I either want to talk to someone so much that all I do is spend the night staring at their MSN name wondering whether I should start a convo or not.. Or I don't even appear Online and don't even bother replying when I'm actually Online, Appearing Offline.

 

I remember someone told me that I'm always after friends and complaining noone cares, but whenever someone gets too close I lose interest. In year 7, I remember something like this happened. I don't even know why. We were really good friends but I just blew up at her because I felt she was too close and she stuck to me too much. Then she just left me after I blew up at her.. I was so rude.. So bad.. I'm really sorry.. She's changed completely though.. Leads a very eventful life now - one of those clubbers! Sometimes I'd wonder where we would be now if I continued our friendship..

 

Then in year 8 I started getting close to another girl and I don't even know what came over me, but I started giving her the cold shoulder. This time, I didn't blow up at her or anything, but I just ignored her existence.  Since she was a very straightforward type of girl, when she realised I was being cold to her, she asked me straight out why I was being so cold to her because we didn't even have any fights and nothing bad happened between us. Fortunately, we're still friends to this day, but a lot less closer than when we were back then.

 

After that, in uni, it's gotten a little better. But I feel that part of me - neglecting friends who get too close - hasn't completely disappeared, yet. Sometimes, when I'm asked to attend outings, I don't want to go. Not because I don't like them - they're really nice people. And I feel so sorry to them because I must be so cold to them sometimes.. But I just don't know what to do or just how to let them in. Whenever I'm out with them, I feel like I'm in someone else's happy memory. I can feel their joy, their happiness and their friendship, but I can't get ahold of it myself - I can't enter the house. I'm stuck outside, watching them - as if it's just a story I'm enjoying. Though the fire's nice and warm inside, the doors are locked and I'm just alone, staring through the windows, outside in the snows...

They say the sad times will pass, eventually. They say when you're at one of the lowest points in your life - it'll pass. I remember in year 11, my English teacher told us that there's always a way out. She told us, that after we graduate, if we ever get to a very low point in life, just remember: it will pass. It's just a fraction of our life and eventually, things will brighten up because life is like a rollercoaster - everything that has a beginning will have an end, whether it be happy or sad. So as long as we get pass a point, we'll make it. We just have to hang on tight. But sometimes, I don't think I can hang on. I don't know why I should. They say everyone's life has a meaning. I don't really believe that's always the case.. Not if you always take from Earth and don't have anything to return to it. That's exactly what I am - a person who can't provide anything of use to this world. And therefore, a life wasted. A useless animal that sucks earth's resources - giving nothing back in return.

Sometimes, dark at night, when I'm alone on my bed, thoughts of my life rush back to me

 

All those things I wish I never said, all those things I wish I never did

 

But I can't actually do anything about it now

 

I know noone ever pays attention to my mistakes the way I do

 

But I can't help cringing at those mistakes

 

Those mistakes I so stupidly made in front of a group of people

 

Those things you find embarrassing as you wonder why you ever did them in the first place

 

You wonder what got into you at the time and you bury your face in your pillow

 

Of course noone remembers, noone even cares

 

But I just can't help cringing at those thoughts!