** Early Recollections **

Elsa's profile** Early Recollections *...PhotosBlogLists

They say that the older you get, the more experience you will have in life, the less naive you will be. Yet I've lived two decades and am still the naive little girl I was five years ago. I guess I haven't really aged much in terms of expectations. I still dream things that won't happen. I still hope for the impossible and I still live in the past. Maybe I'm more of a hopeful dreamer than I thought I was. Maybe I'm less of the negative realist than I think I am. I guess a small part of me still hopes and dreams for all those unattainable things in life - all those things I can never and will never have.

I need to start living in reality. To survive, I need to remember that I still exist in this world (just barely) and not just in my dreams. I need to remember that life isn't perfect. I need to understand that in order to live a life that is not necessarily happy, but at least satisfactory, I need to conform to the rules and expectations of society because alone, I am nothing. I can easily be crushed. I can easily be run over. Only those who conform can actually live a little life and earn a tiny little respect. If you even dare step outside the square you're in, you risk losing something - maybe everything. Up until now, I've stepped outside the square many times. I've done things I thought I'd never do. Yet all I've gotten in return is a loss of respect from those around me, a loss of valuable time and a decreasing level of self-esteem and possibly, mental health.

I don't remember who taught me to become broadminded. But being such a broadminded person makes me vulnerable to everything. I continue believing in everything that people don't seem to follow. I do things that people wouldn't do because it's socially unacceptable. Yet I find no reason as to why that is. But I'm learning slowly. Learning slowly to conform. Why are some things the way they are? Why are girls expected to stay home and have children? Why is there still a glass ceiling above us? Why are we expected to put make up on and look pretty and be slim and not eat? It depends on how you look at it, really. But if people find it to be socially unacceptable, then that's it. You don't really have a say in the matter because you're just one powerless being within the sea of millions.

Sometimes, I need to remember that all I actually am is a single little helpless girl in a world where everyone is worth more than me - where everything is worth more than me. And that I am just a tiny worthless piece of this everything called Reality.

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1/28/2010

New Leaf

Breaking all the rules of being me.

Hope all goes well.

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1/8/2010

Death is Nothing at All

I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Henry Scott Holland

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1/1/2010

New Decade 2010

I just want one thing.

I want to find out what I can do.

And do it - successfully.

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12/31/2009

Last of 2009

So 2009 was a crap year. Worst ever.

Many good things happened.

But even more bad things happened.

I'm glad to see the last of it.

I hope 2010 will be better.

All I can do is hope.

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12/25/2009

Short Christmas Update

It's already been a year since last Christmas. I don't even remember what I did last Christmas so I re-read my entries for last December and everything came back to me ever so clearly. Now that I think about it, it was probably one of the best Christmases I'll ever have. Because it was just one word - beautiful.

So much has happened this year. Like seriously, a lot - for me. It's like all the drama has happened this year. I've experienced so much this year. I've been picking things up, letting them go, forgetting them, then remembering them again. I've met some new friends, "reunited" with old friends and probably will be losing some more friends if I don't do what I have to do.

I've learnt that life is precious, but at the same time it's a burden that we all have to carry because choosing death over life is easy, but choosing life over death is difficult.

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12/22/2009